...and invite them in!

Sunday 10th May, 2020

This has turned in to a sort of stream of consciousness.

It is extraordinary what can disorientate one.

This morning I went on to my iPad to find a 'streamed' Eucharist service, as I do every morning.

Up popped a succinct notice:  "no connection".

This has happened before so I went through my usual routine:

Turn off iPad.

Turn back on. Still no connection.

Press "All mail". No luck.

Turn off, try again and still no connection.

Routine of Sunday collapsing. Mild panic.

Keep calm.

Read a detective novel for ten minutes.

Tried iPad again and no success.

Breathe deeply. Stay still. Empty mind. Stomach fluttered.

Worse case scenarios crowded in. How to communicate. Horrid feeling of isolation.

Considerations: I dislike telephoning but could. I love writing and receiving letters but it is a dying form of communication. Normally dislike iPad except use it for emails. Lock down has taught me its values. No face to face allowed at present.

Stay calm.

Distract myself...breakfast.

Discovered all others in house had no wifi connection. Rising panic.

So got back to routine. 6 mugs of tea between 10am and 11am to provide liquid for catheter to ward off infection. Also a relaxant as I look out to the Tay and see its bird life. Glorious heron and oyster catchers and cormorants this morning.

Two slices of home baked Irish soda bread and lashings of butter and home made, award winning, marmalade. Comfort eating  and I thought of weighing scales!

Calmer, I recalled magic bullet told by friend. Turned off wifi hub at source.

Turned back on.

Tried iPad ten minutes later and wifi back. Streamed Eucharist from USA.

Priest announced it was ' Mother's Day'. Not so in UK but in Australia and New Zealand.

Then came gospel and the words I heard loud and clear were: ' Do not let your hearts be troubled...'

Why was I so troubled?

Yes, lock down has made me anxious over a few matters.

Yes, I am anxious over my prostate problems.

Yes, I am anxious for some friends.

Yes, I am anxious re the prognostications I hear of the effects of the pandemic: high unemployment, massive starvation across parts of the world, political and international upheavals, reports of local incompetence and ignorance re the PPE, re the ideas of how to ease lock down.

I have been disoriented today.

I cannot deny my anxieties. Writing this has helped me to calm. Also breathing deeply, sitting still, looking to the Tay and Perthshire hills and saying to myself ' do not be afraid...'

I am afraid but I have restored the courage in myself to live with my fear.

I am re-focussed, I am re-orientated.

Writing this I turned to Rumi and his poem the Guest House. Please read it. He puts it all in perspective and somehow such an authority as he makes it ring true and gives one an extra dose of courage.....all the daily new arrivals, good and bad etc..

' meet them at the door laughing,

  And invite them in...'