Do I trust and believe - or not?

Wednesday 6th January, 2021

Sometimes one feels on a complete limb, alone and mildly foolish. Then someone or something happens and you feel some solidarity and even justification. I was given, as you may know, a litter grabber or picker. Each day when I walk I take it with me and I pick up rubbish. I did it again today and filled one Tesco bag with detritus. I did walk for an hour and then got a bus back. On the bus I saw a dropped tissue. Instinctively I used my grabber and picked it up and put it in my Tesco bag. The driver saw me in the mirror and shouted thanks. The only other passenger, he looked a teenager behind his mask, clapped! I thought to myself they must think I am a dotty old man, interfering and judging others and being a do gooder. Back home I went on to my iPad on to the BBC news website as I am interested in the Georgia State senatorship race. There I noted a headline for a video: "Stranded Brit in Taiwan clears plastic". It seems Peter Lowe is unable to get back to Britain. To keep himself sane and active he hired or bought a rowing boat to see the waterways. There upon he noticed, mainly in the mangrove swamps huge amounts of plastic, rubbish and detritus. So he set about clearing it up. He has been joined by locals and now the Local Councils are supporting him. I was so thrilled to read that.

Then I had an email from a posh local green grocer to inform me that the Seville oranges had arrived. I love making marmalade. I actually enjoy the making but specially enjoy the taste for I like it bitter and sharp and with large chunks. Sadly the new restrictions re Covid lockdown may mean I do not have access to the AGA and the kitchen I use and need. I am researching it as I write as is a friend. I am a little desperate but need to accept. Yet while accepting the situation I received the emailed invitation to enter the Dalemain International Marmalade making competition. Three years I have entered and won awards, mainly silver and lower. It is such fun reading the Judges' comments and advice. Also the entry fee goes to a local Hospice for the dying.

Then finally I have read today Carlo Carretto on a subject that has for many years concerned me re my faith. He writes: "Is it possible that a God of love would demand such sacrifice. Perhaps faith is just a trap? A psychological illusion? Is it possible when children are dying of hunger, when the innocent are being killed and the wicked man triumphs? When earthquakes destroy the houses of the poor..." I have read him carefully and he comes to the point and says this is the moment of testing, the moment of scandal...and that it is necessary to trust, to believe, to hope and to accept. We do not know God or the mystery, we know nothing. Certainly there is now before me a choice. Do I trust and believe or do I not?

I have one advantage. I went through some very bitter and trying times not so long ago and the after effects are still with me, the reverberations continue. I know those who continued to accept me as I am, who believed in me, who trusted in me. So if they can do that for me in very dark times can I not do so with God?