Do not condemn, but...

Sunday 26th July, 2020

All my life I have been very conscious of my body shape. I had two sporty brothers who were ever seemingly fit and sveldt. I was always the little dumpling who grew in to the big dumpling. I recall back to my pre teen days when I was horribly shy about getting in to gym kit or in to swimming trunks for fear of ridicule at my size. I ever had a large towel when swimming so as to be able to cover myself. Even now I dislike looking at photographs of myself at that age.

The battle of the flab has hardly ever been won. I simply have an addictive, greedy personality and weak will power. I don't know if that is an excuse or genuine as I have not bothered with doctors, dietitans or psychiatrists. I am an alcoholic yet have been in recovery for 7 years. I was once over 20 stone and did, after a semi break down, reduce to 11 stone but am now back to 14. As the doctor noted my Body Mass Index (BMI) is high. I dislike mirrors in bathrooms. They reflect a figure I am prejudiced to judge as gruesome. I suppose it is fair to say I am not 'comfortable in my skin'.

There is much talk of obesity at present. The Prime Minister hopes to deal with it. All sorts of pundits have spoken and most have sensible comments. It can be caused by mental conditions, traumas from childhood, by malfunctioning glands, by boredom, by bad diet ( often associated with poverty) and it can continue to cause anxiety and self loathing. This is a delicate situation. First I am certain that one should never judge or ridicule or mock or highlight the BMI of another. Second one should realise that for many dieting is deeply hard, as hard at times as it is for anorexics to deal with their condition. Third, every individual has his/her own fight on their hands and there is no blanket solution. Fourth, no one wishes to be unhealthy, that is usually a consequence not a cause.

I could go on. My BMI as noted is high. I have difficulty in denying myself food and often eat more at a meal that in necessary for a healthy diet and good balance. I also snack and comfort eat. I have a tendency to crave at times and can devour not just one or two pieces of chocolate but the whole bar or even two. I do not take sufficient exercise and as I get older so calories seem to burn off less speedily.

Sadly I cannot rid myself of the image of how the world thinks one should look. It is almost ingrained in our culture. I am seduced by the ideal as portrayed by advertising, models, media idols, film stars and if I am not like them I judge myself fat and therefore ugly.

A magic wand, a political campaign, taxes on fattening unhealthy food and drink, pundits speaking of health issues, moralists telling one of the sins of greed and people saying one is weak willed, spineless and pathetic...none of this will burn the calories or reduce the weight. I have to go down the path I have managed once. I am an alcoholic yet I have, for now, stopped drinking alcohol. I am overweight and now I must start a regime that will tackle that problem. Yet AA reminds me that the vast majority of alcoholics however desperate, however well supported fail to desist. Will the same be true for the obesity brigade?

Do not condemn but try to understand.