Never give up the search

Wednesday 18th November, 2020

Got up earlier than usual as heading off to join a friend who would drive me to a Church in Cupar...all legal, I think. Snuck out of house so as not to wake other occupant. Decided to stop at my friendly garage as I was worried by the flatness of my car tyres. I am too old and too stiff and too ignorant to know how to cope with such things as tyre pressures. The garage owner fabulous as ever. I mentioned my fears and his immediate response was 'drive the car in'. I did and he checked the pressures and added the necessary amount. He refused any payment but I promised a cake sometime....he and his brother smiled. It was so heartening.

Then to friend's house and a mug of coffee. One of her dogs has a huge cancerous growth. The vets say it would be dangerous to operate as she is old. She is in excellent spirits and although deaf somehow hears all. I rubbed her tummy and she rolled over and over and looked as if she was smiling.

Then across Fife and it is ever breath takingly lovely. A skein of geese, many pheasants endangering themselves as they wander the lanes, a couple of deer and some highland cattle and many sheep.

To the Church. A moving service as November is the month of prayer for the dead. All good. But I prayed again for faith. Horror of horrors as I had a distraction in the midst of the service. Why is Ms Sturgeon tightening the regulations instead of getting the infected isolated and tracing those they have been in contact with? Millions of pounds spent on the Covid control mechanisms, on PPE etc and the news tells us of cronyism, failures and waste. All this as I tried to pray and worship. As a friend would say ' the devil likes to intrude when one turns to God'.

Back to the full Scottish breakfast of haggis, local black pudding, fresh local eggs and home made marmalade and toast with lots of dark black strong coffee. The beloved dog joined by her compatriot who muscled in for attention and begged shamelessly for food.

Talk to friend about prayer and distraction, of how to hold on to hope, how to combat the mind wandering and being seduced by inappropriate thoughts and how to have faith that there is indeed purpose.

Finally back home. A letter from a friend telling me of a cancerous prolapse and her operation. She has had to go private and even then has to travel many miles from her home to London. The local private and NHS hospitals are unable to operate for some weeks and her Consultant says the operation is urgent. Another letter full of sadness over the loss of letter writing. Like me my correspondent is not a computer buff or lover. Indeed she does not have a computer although her husband has bought one recently and aged 83 is struggling to understand how to use it. She quoted some glorious poems including one by McCarthy called ' Angelus'. She bemoaned the fact that one does not hear very often the Angelus bells four times a day. Yet she mentioned the beauty of nature, the powerful growth of various religious institutions she and her husband support financially.

I am replying to her and have decided to use R.S.Thomas as a basis for my letter. I came across his poetry years ago when my Welsh Grand Mother was extolling his patriotism and my clerical Grand Father was quoting his poems and sentiments. Thomas had a faith but was, it seems, riddled with doubts and searchings. I have just finished reading his three poems with churches or chapels in their titles. Forlorn yet insightful and incisive as I see it. Sharing such a poet's thoughts is miraculous and helpful and gives one much to ponder.

Never give up the search, I have resolved. Never give up the faith, I have been told also. What I will not do is accept without responsibility and questioning for that way lies the terrorist, the fanatic, the deluded.