Ramblings

Wednesday 5th August, 2020

It rained all day yesterday. I didn't get out of my pyjamas and spent quite some time on my bed reading and thinking. I am finding the new book I am reading, The Compassionate Mind, very challenging. It is making me face a whole new look at the reasons why Homo sapiens does what he does, why he does it and the reasons behind it all, the evolutionary history. As always I don't know how to authenticate the thesis and to know whether it is the actual genuine analysis of our behaviours and thoughts. Harari's book Homo Sapiens I found deeply disturbing. We are a violent species as well as a loving one and the way we act is triggered by all sorts. I know that my own mind is ever in flux. I have tried and continue to try to control the distractions by which I am ever inundated. Other books, spiritual, biological, psychological and sociological I have also tried to read. I am impressed by the theories and practices of many but are they the way to integrity and right living?

I have read and have believed the works of many spiritual women and men.

I have read and believed the theories of scientists and analysts of all sorts.

I do not have answers. I do not know absolutely.

I have to live life as it is.

The necessity is to come to terms with myself as I am now. My mind often boggles at the facts placed before me. The idea that we are constantly changing in mind and body. The cells that make up the 'me' are ever new and not the ones I was formed with in he womb. In fact it is difficult to define the 'me'. The fact that many if not all my actions and thoughts are pre determined by genes, evolution and the influence of others on me, especially when I was young, is mind boggling. So I have been for a walk this morning. The weather people told me it would not rain before midday so I changed my stroll from afternoon to morning. I took one of the routes I frequently enjoy and take. Down along the Tay in to the local high street. I passed the cafe that offers 'help your self coffee', and it is superb, up in to a Private Park generously opened to the public. I sat on the bench by one of the lakes, watched the bird life and admired the old trees. I breathed in, tried not to think and just tried to be. 

Up popped this: okay. I'm me ( whatever that or who that may be, whatever caused it) and I must live as 'me'. I will live in a way that makes me at peace with myself. It may be unknown, deep down evolutionary or genetic forces, which are controlling all this but I shall still try to be at peace. I will do what I believe I should do to be a loving person. I will try, try and try again and try yet again. Okay? 

I hope so. I trust so. I even pray so.